


Letters to Zuala

by Theo_Baccio



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, Letters, Moving On, Wives, dear wife this is my girfriend beau
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:55:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28856190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theo_Baccio/pseuds/Theo_Baccio
Summary: Yasha misses Zuala, and takes writing to her as way to deal with her lost.She writes about the Nein, about the ways Zuala is still in her and about her new lover.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Yasha, Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Yasha/Zuala (Critical Role)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

Dearest, 

It's no secret that i still miss you. Sometimes, this very ugly part of me longs to find a way to forget all about you, just to spare me of this pain and longing. But then I remember: Everything is you.  


You’re in every step I gave, and you’re in every step I’ll ever give. You’re in the wind caressing my face. You’re in the grass gently brushing against my ankle. You’re in the way the moon shines to guard my sleep, and in my battle cries echoing across the fields.  


I’m in a step of grief in which I’m working on giving a new meaning to what happened to us. I’ve given up on trying to forget you; it’s dumb to think you’d ever be erased. I’m also trying to stop blaming myself so hard, and to stop wanting to change it. I noticed I’d do everything again, even with this terrible end of ours.  


I’d still give you glances during training, and would tell you jokes to make you laugh all over again. I’d still linger my hands on your face while doing your war paint, and I’d still awkwardly dance with you by the fire. I’d be nervous when you called me to stargaze, and explode the first time we kissed over and over for all eternity. I wouldn’t change any of it. I would never want to change the way we forged our love, so I’m keeping it. All of it. I’m keeping you, in my heart, in my silent tears and in that last time you’ve braided my hair.  


Because back then, we both knew very well. The moment we both said “I do”, we knew: You’re always going to me mine, just as I’m always going to be your wife. No matter what happens, we belong together.  


I used to think my feelings for Beau would change that, but after deep thinking, and Jester’s words, I realized it actually does not have to be like that.  


Being Beau’s doesn’t stop me from being yours, and being yours doesn’t stop me from being Beau’s, and that’s it. It doesn’t need further explanation. It’s just like that.  


My love, you’ve always been my best friend, and I keep wondering what would you think of Beau. I wish I could tell you all about her, is it weird?  


You wouldn’t believe how tiny she is, and yet, extraordinarily strong! Not as strong as you, of course. I have so much fun when I’m training with her. It’s like our moves just fit, you know? Like we’re dancing.  


You’d like her jokes, even the ones that barely make sense at all… I like the way she defends me, without any hesitation. I feel safe, not only physically, but also… She makes me feel safe enough to allow myself to be me. Just me.  


After you and Molly, I’ve given up on that hope of being happy, but… Maybe, just maybe… If it’s with Beau, and the Nein… Maybe I…  


Is it bad that I’m finally moving on? Is bad at all?  


I wish you could sing to cease my worries, just like on that summer…  


I love you, okay? Always will…

Forever yours, Yasha.


	2. Wish me luck

Dearest,   
  
Back on our time, it wasn't a seen as a good thing to show any kind of affection towards your friends and loved ones. It never really bothered me until we actually started to date. At least the other warriors could stare at their lovers with some longing, but we were this secret.  
Maybe that's the reason why I've learned to cherish so much the little moments we had for ourselves.   
  
Every kiss seemed to linger more than time itself could hold, and every touch stayed marked on my skin like a tattoo and I... I never thought I'd need so much to hold into those memories...   
  
I wish I could have something material to remember of you. Something, anything. A bracelet, an earing, your belt dagger, even your toothbrush would do the job. However, my skin, burned with your touches, is the only phisical think I have of you, my love.   
  
I... If I let Beau carress my cheek, will that touch erase the feeling of yours? I legit worry about it sometimes... It would be so much better if you could answer... You had this talent of knowing exactly what to say, every single time...   
  
I want to be able to think of you, and be happy for all the love we lived instead of being remembered of the pain of losing you. It's been a long time, will it ever go away?   
  
Beau is really empathetic, and I think it's pretty adorable, but I'm afraid that she would be offended if I ever tell her that. I'm telling you this because she picked a flower for you. It's a white one, with black dots on its petals. She said it looks like my hair, and you'd appreciate to see it. Isn't she lovely? She keeps making me blush out of blue.   
  
I can't wait to finally have a date with her, but I'm afraid to get tongue tied. Is it okay to ask you to wish me good luck?   
  
Don't forget, I still love you.   
  
Forever yours, Yasha. 


	3. Rainy days

Dearest,

It’s raining today. The water is strongly falling against the inn’s roof tiles. Oddly enough, there is so other sound around. The rain kind of sounds like a lullaby, meant to sooth adult only adult unruly hearts… Well, I tried, but words are not my strongest point.

Watching the skies wailing from my window, I can’t stop wondering: Zuala, is it you? Are you crying? Is it because of me? Because of us? Would you tell me what is making you so sad, my love?

I swore to always protect your smile, and at least this once, I’d like to keep this promise. Tell me, dearest, what can I do to make you feel better?

. . .

I can’t believe I’m talking to a water drop as if it’s my deceased wife. Yes, it’s still hard to mention you and “dead” in the same sentence. Longing does strange things to a person, I guess…

People say water is life, which is pretty ironic because in rainy days like this one, I can only think about the both of us running away from the rain, looking for shelter. I remember my body being cold, and your hot breath, by my side to keep me warm.

Again, people say water is life, which is pretty ironic, because in days like this, the only thing I can remember is how you’re not here anymore.

I seem to never be able to protect the people I love.

I couldn’t save you.

I couldn’t save Molly.

How long ‘till I’m not able to save Beau? 

I’m used to being sad, but it really hits different in days like this.

Forever yours, Yasha. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Yasha has no idea.....

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me if you guys want me to keep going


End file.
